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Kung Fu Questions
The Keyboard Warrior: “I Know Kung Fu”
Quick Answer
A keyboard warrior is someone who watches a few online lessons, buys a certificate and decides he’s a master.
In his head he’s Neo from The Matrix. In reality he’s on the sofa with a pizza and his cat.
Learning online isn’t the problem. Thinking a screen can make you a master is. You can’t learn to swim by watching swimming.
Every martial arts teacher has met him. Some of us have met him several times. Let’s call him Kev.
Kev doesn’t train at a school. Kev doesn’t need to. Kev has Wi-Fi, a comfy sofa and a 10,000 Deadly Techniques box set. And Kev, as he’ll happily tell you in the comments section, knows kung fu.
What Does a Keyboard Warrior’s Training Week Look Like?
Monday: watches a 10-minute video at 1.5x speed. Basically a black belt by lunchtime.
Tuesday: practises the form in the kitchen. Knocks the kettle over. Counts it as hand conditioning.
Wednesday: buys “Master Kung Fu in 7 Days”. Finishes it by Thursday. Ahead of schedule, obviously.
Thursday: leaves a comment under a real master’s video explaining what he’s doing wrong.
Friday: his black belt certificate arrives in a padded envelope. He laminates it.
Weekend: recovery. Sofa, pizza, energy drinks. “Maybe I’ll watch another video…”
What Does He Think Happens in a Real Fight?
In Kev’s mind, it goes like a film. Green code rains down the screen. Time slows. He raises one hand and says calmly, “I know kung fu.”
He sees every attack before it comes.
He moves like water.
Ten men in black suits fly in every direction.
He finishes with “I am a master!”, and somewhere a gong sounds.
What Actually Happens?
The trouble is, real people haven’t watched the same video.
They don’t stop at the end of the move and wait politely.
They don’t attack in the order shown on screen.
The pause button doesn’t work. Neither does rewind.
They push back, and they’re heavier than the cat.
Kev has never been corrected, because the video can’t see him. He has never been pushed, because the video doesn’t push. So the first time someone does, the Matrix ends very quickly.
How Do You Spot a Keyboard Warrior?
His grandmaster is a YouTube channel.
Ask about his lineage and he says “broadband”.
The hardest thing he’s ever hit is the like button.
He has very strong opinions on dim mak, but nobody has ever actually touched him.
His training partner is a cushion. The cushion is undefeated.
Ask who he trained with and the answer is “myself, mostly”.
Is Learning Online Really That Bad?
No, and to be fair to Kev, that isn’t the problem.
Videos are a perfectly good place to start, especially if there’s no school near you. You can learn the basic movements and the outline of the forms. (There’s a full post on this: Can You Learn Kung Fu Online?)
The problem is the ego. Watching isn’t training. Knowing the shape of a move isn’t knowing how to use it. And a certificate is only worth how you earned it.
What’s the Cure?
It’s simple, and it doesn’t come with a box set.
Get off the sofa. Yes, that one. Move the cat.
Find a teacher who’ll correct you, by name, to your face.
Find training partners who’ll push you, so you learn to react, not just remember.
Leave the ego at the door. A real training hall will take it off you in about thirty seconds anyway.
Three hours on a real training floor will tell you more about yourself than a hundred videos ever could.
So, Do You Know Kung Fu?
Here’s the bit Kev always forgets. In the film, Neo downloads kung fu straight into his brain and says the famous line, and then he still has to go and spar with Morpheus. And he loses.
Even in the Matrix, you need a training partner.
So by all means watch the videos. Just don’t tell anyone you know kung fu until someone has tested it.
ST
